Worn out

Worn out
But I still reign

Thursday, April 17, 2014

DMV follow up

...Following up on the DMV thingee...
Well, I made it to my appointment on time
Once there, the nerves started picking at me
I had to pay $55.00 and then $33.00
$88.00?
Isnt that fkn insane?!
I took the stupid photo and fingerprint
Then...
The written exam!
Well, I was thankful that I was the only person
There for the test
There was a fourth of the normal crowd there
Sitting around waiting
Everyone there had that "I dont know what to do" face
Slowly I read each question being careful to understand it
To my surprise all the questions were the same as
The practice questions on the DMV website
So,I had taken those tests like a hundred times each
Which made the real test pretty easy.
Nonetheless, I passed. Ok, I missed one.
So now I got my license
And, it feels pretty dam good.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

DMV Tests

I was stopped by a cop about a month ago
He said I had ran two stop signs
But the road I was driving on only had one stop sign.
When I told him, he said I actually didnt stop  at the one
Stop sign, instead, I only slowed down.
Ok, I knew I was guilty of that because when I "slowed down"
I thought to myself, Dam! I didnt stop too good!
Still, I drove on...
Then, to my horror, the dam flashing lights were behind me!!
Shit!! Dammit!!...
So, I got a ticket for not having my drivers license.
Well, one month later, (today) I gotta go take the written test.
I hate tests. Any tests. All tests.
Ive been practicing the tests online and Ive been scoring good
But once Im there at the DMV with the stupid little pencil,
The test in hand, standing up against the cold table
With all kinds of people filing in, and speakers announcing
"ticket No. B32 at window number 4!" and so on,...
Im gonna be a ball of nerves.
My contacts will probably start floating around in my eyes
My stomach will start to growl loudly
My legs will become restless so Ill have to keep shifting sides
My hand will start shaking
And my mind will go over the questions 3 and 4 times
And I still wont get it...
But, Im determined to do my best, I hope its good enough.
The DMV sucks. The tests, the fees, everything about it sucks.
Wish me well.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Battle of Insomnia

Last nite I couldnt sleep
Insomnia was stronger than my will
It was so dark in my bedroom that if I opened my eyes
It was if they were closed
There, laying in the dark, thoughts began to run in and out of
My mind
I kept trying to count sheep but when that was to no avail
I tried to push good thoughts forward
Like happy times, fond memories, even crazy shit
But my mind would inevitably return to the other side...
Thoughts of Death
Thoughts of what happens to us after we die
Thoughts of NEVER being able to return to ourselves
Thoughts of being in nothingness
Thoughts of fears I have hidden inside myself for a while
My stomach was doing flips and my gut was twisting
I sighed outloud again and again
I dont know when it began or when it ended 
I just woke up
7:15am
I mustve won the match
The battle of Insomnia.


Monday, April 7, 2014

Missing Ryder

In nine more days 
My little baby boy, Mr Ryder Roo, will be 6yrs old!
I havent seen him 
In 97 fucken days.
Talk about missing someone!!...OMG!
You wanna know what NOT seeing him or
Not hearing from him is like?...
Its like being on a boat in rough waters
And the boat capsizes
And youre thrown into the sea
And you dont know how to swim
You cant even dogpaddle!
So you plunge down deep and deeper
With all your might trying to grasp onto
Something...
Anything...
To save yourself
You cant hold your breath any longer
Your eyes are wide open 
And your heart is slowing down
You open your mouth and water rushes in
In your mind you say,"Oh jesus! help me!!"...
Thats what its like.
Thats what its like...
To miss Ryder.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Little Seed

Ryder is like
 A little seed
A drop of water
 Is all he'll need
Soon, he'll come up
 Breaking ground
Wanting to see
 The world around
In a bed of roses
 He'll outshine 'em all
Not following a season
 Blooming spring summer and fall
And when the winter comes
 All is withered and dry
But still remains one flower
 Its Ryder, climbing high
He'll refuse the harshest weather
 He'll grow in spite of weeds
He'll shoot right thru the soil
 ...Love is all he needs.

Written for my little seed, Ryder Joshua.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Moving On...

...Ok...Ive stopped crying.
Moving on...
So, I was at my Dads house, doing little chores for him
Dusting, sweeping, disinfecting the toilets...
Having to pause every now and then so I could inch closer
To him and speak LOUDER so he could hear me.
When I wasnt talking, there was silence. 
Just silence.
There was no noise from the blaring TV, no signs of life
Outside of the house because the windows and doors were all
Locked.
There was no fresh air.
He wasnt reading a book or the newspapers as he usually did,
He was just sitting low in his little chair with a blanket throw around his 
Neck.
At first I felt odd, as if I had to entertain him, then I realized
Hes at peace. Hes comfortable. Hes resting his eyes.
He enjoys solitude. He welcomes it.
He was content just knowing I was there for him.
So, we had a good time, my Dad and I, doing nothing,
Saying nothing, wanting nothing, being nothing...
My guilt, or rather, THE guilt subsided and my tears dried up
And I thanked God for one more day with my Dad...My Hero.


Dad


























Thursday, March 20, 2014

Hes still my HERO

My Dad.
He hasnt been feeling well lately.
All of a sudden, he stopped driving his car.
He stopped walking a mile in the mornings.
He stopped waxing the kitchen floor......
I went over to his house today and immediately
I felt the absence of a feminine touch.
The guilt that hovers above me on a daily basis
Took this opportunity to just drop onto my shoulders.
Guilt just wrapped itself around my being in a 
Tight vice like grip. 
I could barely breathe...
I knew, I mean I just knew!...I should spend more time
With him.
Hes half of what hes supposed to be. 
I wanted to make him go to bed so I could lie down beside
Him and hold onto him forever.
I felt like that little girl I used to be when hed fight
With my mom and have to leave, and hed come to me and
My sister and hold us and tell us he loved us and give us
A fucken lollipop.
And Id cry my ass off! He was my ALL.
He still is. 
I cant stop crying.