Worn out

Worn out
But I still reign

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Time

I wish that time
Would just stand still
Minutes wouldnt climb
Days wouldnt spill...

I wish that time
Didnt have a face
Then clocks wouldnt chime
And years wouldnt race...

I wish that time
Would confuse the Sun
To tell it...a crime
If dawn comes youre done...

I wish that time
Would stay in place
Stand in a line
Reduced to a waste...

Friday, September 26, 2014

Mentally Ill

Have you ever met a person that LIES
And then BELIEVES their OWN lies?
And then they try to convince you they arent lying?
I mean they stick to their guns, they swear and
They cry and they do everything imaginable to 
Convince you theyre telling the truth
But you know theyre LYING!
You know it because usually what theyre saying
Either changes up every time they tell it
Or it doesnt make sense, its too far fetched.
But rather than having to listen to more lies
To cover more lies, you just nod, or say something
Neutral.
Usually that satisfies their need for that attention.
A few years ago I met a woman
Who was and still is a pathological LIAR.
Once I started sorting out the stories shed tell me
I started realizing she didnt make sense.
She had to lie about every dam little thing.
I once told her that she didnt have to LIE to me
To gain my friendship, that I understood her and
She could be herself with me
Of course she swore she would never stoop that low
To lie to me...(ho-hum) yeah, right
I began distancing myself from her because the more
Bullshit she spewed out
The more I started thinking that either she thought she
She was slick and believable or
She thought I was an idiot.
Neither was true.
I rarely run into her now but when I do
Its the same old bullshit only magnified x10.
I think shes really mentally ill.
But if I tell her that , shell LIE and say 
Shes not.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

One FATAL Mistake

Amongst the many mistakes ive made in my life
Thus far
I can see the ONE mistake I made that has proven to be
Fatal...
I listened. thats it. I fucken listened.
That one FATAL mistake screwed up a life I was living...
With out wanting for anything, and if I did want anything, 
Id simply go out and get it.
That ONE mistake even fucked up my future...
It took away everything I had and all that I was
Its brought me to now.
I hate failure. I dont want to fail. 
In trying to prevent failing,...I failed.
How stupid is that?
After my first marriage failed, I failed my sons by taking away
Their sense of family, and BEING a family
So, vowing not to do that again, I remained single for many many years
Then, I met a man and was swept into a four year relationship
With him
We got married. It lasted 2 weeks. 2 fucken weeks.
That wasnt the mistake that proved to be FATAL...
My own need to NOT FAIL proved FATAL.
He said to me, "I want you to give up your career, get your retirement
And let me be the financially responsible one
Ill get you a place where you can spend all your time doing what you love, arts and crafts
You can have your own business."
Since he was my husband, I listened to him. I didnt want to go against what he wanted
Because it could be a problem and then my marriage could fail...
So,...I listened. Fucken listened.
My one FATAL mistake.
In two weeks time he was gone and so was everything I had worked for
Everything I had become, everything I possessed including my
Self Esteem.
Now at this point in life Im having to start over instead of relaxing and 
Living life to its fullest. 
In not wanting to fail
,...I became a failure.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

September 20, 2014

So today I went out of town
To see one of my sons and his family
While I was there I felt so happy
Especially to see how good they were all doing
And how happy they all were
Ryder was missing his two front teeth and
That really surprised me...
The girls had gotten so much taller and so so
Pretty
We had alot of fun just being silly and watching some
Funny movies
Even my dad was in the mix
When we finally left Ryder ran and got in the car
Behind the wheel as if to drive which is a far cry
From when he would hang on to me and cry to go with me
He had matured
Rhowynn was crying, though, and I felt so bad on the drive home
Thinking about her and her sister Harlow
Spending time with my son and everyone lifted my
Spirits to the extent of which I still feel the happiness
No matter how old your children are or at what point in
Life they are, you still miss them and they can always
Make you feel loved.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Blogging

I was strolling thru the Blogs 
On this site just looking for something
To relate to or for someone that would validate
For me that Im NOT weird or anything, actually,
I dont know what I was really looking for, but
I strolled along, blog after blog after blog...
I fucken got pissed off!
So many dam bloggers aint wrote a blog in three fucken years!
You start to read their shit and then you notice the date
And its 2009?...WTF?
They have little pics of their newborns that are probably
Teens by now.
I got upset and logged off. 
Then, I thought to myself, am I that dam lonely?
Am I that dam desperate? Im trying to find a comrad of sorts
In a fucken blog??...really???
Then I had to laugh. 
What a loser.
Im getting mad at people that cant come back at me
So I can say anything I want about them and not suffer
Retaliation.
Pretty good.
Anyway, Im over it.
I love to write so Ill just write and hopefully somebody
Will agree, appreciate, or llike what I have to say. 

Same Old Shit

Here I go again
Gather all my shit
Ill pack it up and then
Stay and watch it sit.

His anger is such
Exacerbates cruel
Affects me so much
Im reduced to a fool.

His words are the same
For however he feels
Redundancy game
My life is on reels.

The end doesnt change
No matter the cause
Its an ego deranged
That I mentally pause.