Marillyn Monroe

Marillyn Monroe
"Muah!!"

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Deprived...

Im sick and tired 
Of how I feel
What I once desired
I long for, ..still

A loving touch
A caring word
Is that too much
To feel assured!?

Whats the cost?
Is there a price to pay?
And whats the loss?
Theyre just words to say

Go ahead, tell a lie
Do as you see fit
It matters to me if you try...
Who cares that its all Bullshit!!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Afterlife...of a drug addict

The afterlife 
Of a drug addict ...
Is their damnation.
Their drug fueled previous life
Was nowhere near stressful in comparison.
In the AFterLiFe you inherit a whole new miriad of
Worries and issues.
Where you once donned a baseball cap, tank top,
Pajama bottoms with that inevitable hole in the crotch,
And socks to buy cigarettes in the rain...
Now you must be presentable, attractive, suitable.
Where you once were fearless about smoking shit in the 
Church restroom because the altar call was being made...
Now everytime you pass by that church, you ask Gods
Forgiveness, then drive on, hoping not to be struck dead!
Where you once squeezed out a fake tear, telling a tragic
Tale to your mom, always resulting in "so thats why I need
"Ten dollars..."
Now you have to show PROOF if you even want to borrow
Two bucks for a bottle of water, like a doctors note 
Confirming you are dehydrated.
Where you once promised and swore on somebodys grave
That you would definitely be at their high school
Graduation, even convincing your own self...
Now you gotta make it a point to arrive thirty minutes early
No matter that its 104degrees outside and your car has
Visibly no gas, no air conditioning and no tags!..just to
Give them a ride home from work.
I could go on and on and on, but...
I might scare somebody out of their sobriety.
Suffice it to say, ..been there..done that
And the AftErLife...is worth it all.


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Living Dead

At times I touch my forehead
And I do this in an attempt to
Decipher whether im alive or dead
Because what im feeling
Is real or its not real.
Is this my life?
What lead to this state of disappointment?
Did I take a wrong turn?
Where did my direction come from?
Im in a hole, a well if you will,
Im barefoot
The walls are flat..there are no crooks or crevices
How the fuck am I gonna get outta here?
Sometimes I look up and I see a rope
Dangling
I see it ..I can reach it..
I dont.
Then, its gone.
I dont get it. why cant I grab it?..get out?
Why dont I grab it?..get out?
Im living.
Im dead.


My sons,...My life..

I have three grown sons
were all pretty close
All we really have in this world
Are the children we have born
So my love for them surpasses all other loves.
They are grown men now but im still there for them
A very longtime friend of mine and I had an argument
It was over something petty. That little spat escalated to a
Full blown shouting match and bordered on getting
Physical.....Why?...
In hindsight now I know he was just trying to hit me
Without using his fists
But at the time, all I could see was red...blood!
My disappointment turned into anger turned into rage!
Again, why?...
Because he knew, and he knows that to talk shit about me
Is one thing
To talk shit about my sons is something else entirely.
Thats what he resorted to
He talked shit about one of my three sons.
I warned him NOT to go there
But he went ahead and went there...
I dont know who I became at that moment
But I stepped back and let the Psycho out
I came at him in his front yard, in my front yard and 
In the middle of the street stopping traffic.
He eventually ran off in tears and I had to pace the floor
To calm myself down.
My sons are My life.
If I dont have their backs ...who does?...really?
Who does?...
That thirty year friendship went down the tubes.
Now hes dead. 
And im not sad.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

My RyderRoo came to visit...

My RyderRoo came to visit last Wednesday
He went back home yesterday, Tuesday
Every single day he was here with me
I thanked God
He is everything to me
Once or maybe twice, he told me he hated me
But when he looked at me after he said that
I could just see the regret in his eyes
I could see that he was sorry hed said it
Hes just so used to getting his way in everything
That when I finally do say no or forbid something or other
He goes into shock!!
But, hes a sweetheart and always apologizes
I love to listen to him and my stepson having a
Conversation
Theyre like two mini adults and its so funny.
They pretend theyre italian and speak with an accent
Its so funny!
We had a great time with my Ryder Roo
Went on a lil vacation and just made the most of
Everyday. 
Ryder Joshua Bustos, my grandson, 
I Love You.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

They never even came out my vagina!

No matter how strong of a bond
You feel you have formed with a person
Such as a step this or other..
You eventually do find out 
That sort of bond is extinguishable...
Brittle...easily broken.
Yeah, you eventually find out, like I did
Once...twice...whatever
Circumstances arise that truley test
What youve made yourself believe you have
And when the reality of the fascade hits you
In the face...
It can really be devastating...heartfelt
Even hurtful to the tenth degree
In the midst of my tears, I remember
Thinking...Why? Why does it matter? 
They never even came out my vagina!!
I dont have to love them like this!
I felt like as true as I was, I assumed they were too
And then when I realize they werent, 
Its like being hit with a solid steel baseball bat!
Let me tell you, it hurts.
It hurts real bad.
A thousand apologies can never soothe  the hurt
Re-tie the bond, or rekindle anything 
Its done.
Your eyes are open.
Youre regretfully aware.
Fucken sad.






.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

ten days of HEAVEN

Ryder arrived and my life began.
Who can truley understand this?
From the very first day I laid eyes on him
Something inside of me changed, shifted, was different
A bond was created, formed, and deepened
With each passing year
Hes seven now.
Hes a very mature seven.
I miss him everyday
And many days I cant bear to think about him
Because then I miss him
Two months ago he came to stay with me for
Spring vacation.
My ten days of heaven
He had a blast
Now school is finally over and im hoping to have him
This summer vacation
Hes my only and my first grandson
Hes so special.
Ryder Joshua Bustos