Worn out

Worn out
But I still reign

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Insomnia, again

You know what sucks is that its barely 8:30am
And I already have a headache that in a few hours
Will be throbbing or pounding
From lack of sleep
Insomnia is a Bitch!
The medication I have to take every night still
Doesnt guarantee me a full nights sleep
Im lucky to get maybe 6 hours
Yesterday I was out by 9pm then up by 1230am
Once I wake up its so hard to fall back to sleep again
It makes me angry
Last night like many other nights I flipped on the TV
And I just lay there watching who knows what
Willing sleep to come
Before I knew it, 6am had rolled around
And I had gotten in an hour or two more of sleep
The interruptions at night take it out on my head
During the day
It sucks
It can affect my appetite and energy level all day
Strange as it sounds, amidst my complaints,
Its ordinary, its routine, its my life
Sad, huh?

Afraid

Ive tried often to escape
The thoughts inside my head
They make me feel afraid
As Im lying there in bed.

Afraid that all this trying
Is destined to soon fail
Its all a bunch of lying
This ship has long set sail.

Afraid that what you feel
Is your fear of being alone
Your emotions arent real
Your heart is not my home.

Afraid that Ill be hurt
While you remain the same
And honoring your word
Is but a fucken shame.

Afraid that all  my love
Will just be thrown away
Itll never be enough
To make you wanna stay.




Asshole

You were a fucken Liar 
 And a cheating asshole
You were like this prior
 To meeting me, as told.

It was all a game
 One you often played
We were all the same
 Everyone got laid.

I didnt know it then
 Never had a clue
Of all the fucken men
 I had to fall for you.

What a fool I was
 So stupid and so blind
All of that because
 I thought that you were mine.

Everything I took
 All the anger and the hurt
Would make for one good book
 To tell about your dirt.

Now with all I know
 And hindsight, that I see
This shit helped me grow
 And set my ownself free....

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

These Boots

You keep saying you got something for me
Something you call Love, but confess
You been messin' where you shouldnta been a messsin'
And now someone else is gettin all your best

 These Boots are made for walking
 Thats just what theyll do
 One of these days these Boots
 Are gonna walk all over YOU!

You keep lying when you oughta be truthin'
And you keep losing when you oughta not bet
You keep samin when you oughta be changin'
Now whats right is right, but you aint been right yet

You keep playing when you shouldnt be playin'
And you keep thinking that youlle never get burnt
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah
And what he knows, you aint had time to learn!

 These Boots are made for walking
 Thats just what theyll do
 One of these days these Boots
 Are gonna walk all over you!!




Monday, September 8, 2014

Revisiting February 1, 2014

Its seven months now since 
The demise of kevin Garcia aka "Smoke"
And it may not be Everyday...but...
I miss that little guy like you wouldnt believe
There was no autopsy or investigation
Solely, I, ruled it a Homicide.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
Its a fucken duck!!
Nevertheless, life goes on
But, theres a little void in it
A little emptiness that shows up now and again
Being alone really DOES mean being alone now
If Im just sittin, doin nothin
I cant reach down and tug at some little floppy ears
Anymore
If Im munching on some chicken wings
I dont have to keep saying, "Look away!!" 
Between bites at anybody 
Anymore
If I step into the bathroom 
I wont see a little paw under the door swiping at nothing
Just trying to get in 
Anymore
If Im dead asleep at three a.m.
Im not gonna be woken up  by some
Little pest crying and sighing at the side of the bed 
Waiting for the "go ahead" to jump into bed with me
Anymore
Theres just alot of stuff that aint gonna happen 
Anymore 
That aint been happening
Anymore
That I truley miss.
R.I.P. Smokey


Friday, September 5, 2014

One of my many favorite pics of Ryder. 

Sometimes

Sometimes
I just miss my 3 sons
So bad...so much...so fucken much...
Sometimes 
I sit on my bed and look like a weirdo
Staring out into nothing
While my mind is replaying all the memories its stored
From when they were little boys
Sometimes
Tears gather in my eyes and
Spill down my cheeks even though
I have a smile on my face
Sometimes
As Im lost in the memory of years ago
I can see their faces so clearly
I can hear their laugh so vividly and I swear if I were to
Reach out with my hand 
I would touch them
Sometimes
I want to curse TIME 
Santino
I wish it would have stopped along time ago
When my boys were little
And the only thing I could hear was "MOM!!"!!
Sometimes 
When I cant sleep and laying there
Thoughts of them start coming 
I have to turn it off or 
I wont sleep
Ill cry instead
Sometimes 
It feels like being a Mother is, although great, 
Really hard
When your babies grow up  and
Set off on their own
SirJo
And you just gotta let them go...
Theyre just not them little boys any more.


Spenser