Worn out

Worn out
But I still reign

Friday, October 24, 2014

Baby Birthday Boy

Today, October 24th , is my baby boys birthday.
Except hes not a baby anymore. Hes a man.
Its quite incredible to realize how many years have just flown by
From the time he was born.
Im so proud of him and so happy I was chosen by God
To be his Mother.
To my own parents, he was their son. It remains that way still.
They helped me raise him, and theyd take over where id left
Off when I was on drug binges.
My mom is gone now but my dad is still there for him and
With him.
My dad would be lost without him. 
My three sons were always special to my parents.
They were the Favorites. Still are.
The day Spenser came into the world was unexpected.
I always had to have emergency c-sections when it came to
I can still remember how happy I was, crying from the love
I instantly felt for him when the Doctor pulled him out
Then came around the barrier that was up between my face and my 
Body, and said "you have a beautiful baby boy, and hes got
The cutest "button-nose!"
Spenser let out a wail and I kissed him.
Over the years hes gotten more and more handsome.
I hope to one day tell this story to his own son.
I love my Spenser and hope he has a great Birthday.
Without him, my life would worthless. 
Happy Birthday Son.                     

Monday, October 20, 2014

Their Uncle

My sons have a huge family on their fathers side
Although its huge, they are all very close.
Although theyre all in different areas of the US
They come together for everything...
Reunions, Birthdays, Weddings, Holidays, etc...
They really are a type of family to be envied
If a large closeknit family is what you want or wish for.
A death in the family is like a death OF the family.
Today my dad told me that one of my sons uncles
Was diagnosed with cancer. They supposedly had
Given him 6 months to live.
An hour after talking to my dad, he called to tell me
Their uncle had just died.
Its unbelievable. Im like in a fog about it.
I havent been in that family for many many years
But, they are my sons family.
This uncle of theirs was a "life of the party"
And the party never ended...
He was loud and funny and blunt and crazy  and 
Just a fun loving soul.
Many many years ago, when my oldest son was born 
He came to me and said, "you know sis, next baby you have
I want you to name him Jules-Gaspar-DeStone"
I said, "What the hell?" "Why?"
He just stared at me for a minute with this dumbass
Grin and said, "Because I love that name!!"
So, I said, "ok, whatever"
I never forgot that.
When my oldest son got married, this uncle of his
Came over and gave me a bear hug.
I told him, "hey, remember that stupid ass name you 
Wanted me to name my next child?"
And together he and I both said, simutaneously...
And we cracked up laughing!!
That was the last time I ever spoke to him or saw him.
Now today hes gone.
He left behind alot of funny stories and sad hearts.
R.I.P. Bobby

Friday, October 17, 2014


When youre addicted to drugs
Fuck all the kisses and fuck all the hugs
 You only have one thought
 And thats to chill at the spot
The spot that has the drugs
The shit, the shards and nuggs
 Youlle go without a dime
 And ask for a front this time
Addiction has you in a trance
Compelling you to take the chance
 So there you are amongst the feinds
 Addicted foolish human beings
Youlle stay put as long as you can
You aint got no other plan
 But everything comes to an end
Thats when yure your only friend
 Jails Institutions and death
Thats yur future doing meth.

First YOU

Sometimes when youre kind
A giving type of soul
You undoubtedly will find
One negative and cold.

At first, its oh so soft
It feels like a nice fit
Then something throws you off
Like the apple that Eve bit.

Pretty soon youve lost
The person you once were
A devastating cost
To have forsaken her.

Then everything gets worse
Youlle watch your own soul die
Its time to put YOU first
Grow some wings and...fly!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Remembering a Life

Remembering a life
The one I lived before
The misery and strife
The elation of the score

Want for drugs all day
High on drugs all night
Never thought to pray
Contented with my plight

The feinding for the sack
The many many lies
Never looking back
Striving for the highs

Always insecure
Forgetting about God
It never did occur
To me, I was a fraud

Hiding in the meth
Fear of facing life
Walking into death
Using my own knife

But luckily for me
God sent to me his Son
He changed my destiny
He fought for me, and won.


You straddle the fence
It doesnt make sense
 Your yeses are no's
 Your stays are dont go's
Your laughter is mad
Your happiness sad
 You love what you hate
 You hurry up and wait
You close the door and say go
Youre so sure you dont know
 You arrive so youlle leave'
 You honestly deceive
You climb so youlle fall
You impatiently stall
 Your alls not enough
 Your cowardice tough
Youre two men in one
Whats unfinished is done.

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Beginning of the End

This is a paragraph written in a journal
I kept in the year 2009

November 30, 2009
Frantic call from Spensers girlfriend, Adrie
"Hey! Spenser just called me crying, your mom had
a stroke!"
When youre away from home, having an evening out
Thats the last kind of phone call you ever wanna get.
Tonite when Spenser got home he found Nana slumped
Over onto her side sitting in the recliner  in the
Living room. Papa and him called 911 and the 
Ambulance is taking her to a hospital in Hanford.

Its getting to be that time of year again
When Ill reminice about everything that happened
To my mom until the day she died on Christmas.
I think about it but try not to  except for this
Time of year when it just all plays back in my memory
Over and over again and I have to relive it.
I over obssess about stuff and this can really get to me.
Anyway, R.I.P. mom