Marillyn Monroe

Marillyn Monroe

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


I tend to smile
 To hide the pain
Im laughing while
 My heart is slain.

I want to talk
 So I wont cry
I need to walk
 Cuz I cant fly.

I take your hand
 So you will lead
There I stand
 After youve fleed.

I try to hide
 Myself within
Where Ive died
 I now begin.


Yeah, so..
In the span of 26 days
Beginning November 30th
We watched my moms life come to an end.
Its been four years now
But at this time of year it feels as if its 
So I try not to think about it.
Trying not to think about it is sad.
That was my mom.
Youde think Id like to think about it
But watching, wondering and praying 
Over someone
Takes its toll on you
Her death was tragic in the sense that it was due to
Medical negligence.
Had the nurses followed sterile techniques
Instead of treating her like another
Nursing home throw-away
She would be here today.
But that didnt happen.
Shes gone.
When she died
She took a little piece of my dad with her.
Sometimes I look at him
And I feel myself welling up with tears.
Hes not whole.
For the first year following her death
He didnt want to celebrate 
The holidays.
We couldnt even string up a few Christmas lights
Until he came to the realization
That SHE wouldve wanted us to 
Continue to live.
So now we go all out.
Its bittersweet really.
R.I.P. Mom

Monday, December 15, 2014

The IRONY of it all

I just posted my Blog entry
(the one prior to this one)
About how in a short span of time
Three people in my life 
Its sorta ironic to me that since
That post
(matter of days!)
Two more people
That I went to school with
Im starting to obsess over
The irony of it all...
Of the latter two
One had a long term illness
And the other was totally unexpected
When shit like this happens
I find myself in a standstill
Like a player in a game of Freeze-tag.
I cant move.
I dont wanna move.
I refuse to move.
I gotta take it all in.
Think. think. think.
I begin to evaluate my life
And make promises to myself to live better
To live longer.
Right now its all so fresh.
Im praying for all the families.
I hope someones praying for me.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

ALOT has happened

Its been weeks since I blogged.
Alot has happened.
The Holidays are always joyful and I look forward
To each one 
But its the in between days that suck.
It sorta feels like I been up and down
One day happy next day sad
Sometimes I feel like Im better off
NOT knowing..NOT caring..NOT listening..
In this little span of time
A friend of mine died from breast cancer
Another school friend of mine died from heart failure
And my cousin died from hodgkins lymphoma(cancer)
Death fills me with anxiety and a deep seated fear
So when one person died, it brought that dreaded fear
To the pit of my stomach
Then when two died, I felt the anxiety build up within me
And then the third person died...SHIT!!...WTF!!?
Every one of them was either my age or close to it
That in itself brought along some panic
So I havent been feeling up to blogging or 
Checking emails or talking on the telephone
Ive been trying to keep busy with my crafts
Ive been just keeping to myself
Wondering... am i next?
Is this little cough I have really lung cancer?
Why is my stomach hurting again?
My eyes hurt, do I have a brain tumor?
And so on...
Its irrational and dumb, I know, but then again...
Christmas is approaching and Im gonna bury myself
In wrapping paper and ribbon
Why am I thinking that? 
Do I have a mental illness?
What if its fatal?...

Friday, November 14, 2014

Special Bond

When I was born
My sister was in the eigth grade.
She was at school when she got word that she had
A new baby sister.
She cried and cried. She was overwhelmed with joy.
From that day until now, so many years have
The bond that formed between us when I was born
Has only gotten stronger.
When I was a child I looked to her as a mother.
When she married and moved away
I couldnt stop crying. 
Although she lived far away and had a full time job 
Plus three kids of her own and a Monster for a husband
She still never neglected me.
Summer after summer she would pick me up to 
Stay with her for a few weeks at a time.
As a teen, as a young woman, even as a married woman,
Myself, I still would go stay with her for the 
Weekend or what have you.
My sister has accomplished alot of things in life
Shes had to face alot of heartache and misery too
But, shes always come out victorious!
My Birthday is Sunday
My sister wanted to be the first one to celebrate it with me
So, she came Wednesday and her and my dad and I
Went out on the town!
We had a blast!
I dont think there are many women out there who have the sort of
Bond we do.
I thank God because my mother is gone and yet I dont feel 
That great a loss  because my sister is still a mother figure for me.
Without her I dont know where I would be.
I love her very much.

Monday, November 10, 2014

my weekend...really.

I thought I would blog about my weekend.
This weekend that just passed...
Today is Monday, November 10th, 2014
Well, Saturday I woke up and literally jumped out of bed!
It was like 7:15am
I had planned all week to have a yard sale this day, so 
Anticipating early birds, I ran outside and hurriedly set up my tables
The hanger for the clothing, and such..
It was all out there in the driveway.
I got a coffee and my mp3 player and sat out there
And more waiting...
Would you belive it? Not a fkn car even passed down my street!
Not even a fkn drug addict with a backpack passed by on a bike!
Not even a lady pushing a baby stroller with a kid that had outgrown it
Passed by!
I went out to the street and looked up and down
Where was everybody?
It was already after 8am!
Not even my dam neighbors came, or even looked out their windows (as usual)
I sat on my front steps looking like an idiot.
At around 9am I threw in the towel!!
Disgusted, I tossed all my goods into boxes and tossed the boxes aside.
I spent the rest of my Saturday doing my usual household chores.
In the evening my BF's family gathered here for his mothers 87th Birthday.
We all ate and had cake and then I went to bed. Hooray.
Sunday started out with an argument between my BF and myself. 
Later on, anticipating the Nascar race on TV, I fixed my bed and gathered 
Snacks, and got cozy to watch the race. 
After, I watched a scarey movie on DVD and then went to 
Walmart for some things I needed.
We stopped at Mcdonalds, and then came home.
Thats the jist of my weekend. Exciting? not really. Just normal.
This is the WHY of Why I dont blog about my life.